


Tunnel vision lights my way

by OfElvesAndAliens



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen, Grief/Mourning, Panic Attack, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-28
Updated: 2018-04-28
Packaged: 2019-04-29 02:46:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14463333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OfElvesAndAliens/pseuds/OfElvesAndAliens
Summary: She watches this man, this Stark, while he sits in a corner inside the pod, his face like frozen steel yet there are tears flowing from his bloodshot eyes. It is physically impossible for Nebula to cry. If that isn't so, if the eyes that aren't her own are able to weep, would that be able to appease the hollow anguish that is slowly taking over her?





	Tunnel vision lights my way

 

In all her years, pain and rage had been her constant companions. They took many forms and tortured her in many ways: physical torment, loneliness, envy, and finally, an unquenchable thirst for vengeance.

But she has never known grief before, not like this.

She watches this man, this Stark, while he sits in a corner inside the pod, his face like frozen steel yet there are tears flowing from his bloodshot eyes. It is physically impossible for Nebula to cry. If that isn't so, if the eyes that aren't her own are able to weep, would that be able to appease the hollow anguish that is slowly taking over her?

Nebula looks back at the infinite and lifeless space in front of her and a memory enters unbidden into her thoughts. It is of Gamora's hand on her face when she risked the fate of the universe for some petty thing like pity or love.

Nebula wants to hate her sister for it, for being so foolishly blinded by sentiment. But she can't. She just can't.

She expected her to die after that, not that the knowledge did anything to diminish the pain of hearing Thanos' confirmation from his dreadful tongue. That should've consumed her with unthinkable anger, but it did the opposite. She felt numb all over, all her previous troubles suddenly becoming inconsequential. She couldn't even look at Quill in the eye.

And now she is lost. There is nothing left in her to ignite her miserable existence, not even the desire for revenge that fueled her for so long, not now that she knows just how badly she failed. She begins to think that vanishing into a heap of ash and dust would've been a kinder fate.

"Is it too much to ask a stranger to drop me off on my planet?" Stark asks, his voice hoarse and resigned.

"No." she says without looking at him.

"How about you? Where are you headed?"

She takes a while to look for an answer and finds none.

"I don't know."

 

¤¤¤

 

A day has passed and nothing has changed.

The pod is still silent, save for the rare moments of conversation and the times Stark absently murmured "pepper" under his breath. It is better this way, she thinks. She finds silence easier to deal with, not that it ever stopped the unwanted thoughts from flooding her mind.

She recalls how Gamora had always been kind when they were little, albeit quiet and distant. Not once did she attempt to kill her or any of the other children of Thanos behind their backs, though she was determined to survive like everyone else, like anyone would be in her situation.

She shouldn't have blamed Gamora for the suffering she had endured. It wasn't her fault, none of it was ever her fault, yet now she's dead. Nebula thought Thanos' regard for her, despite how twisted it was, would save her sister. But she was a fool to harbor any hope for that.

She wonders if things would've been easier to bear if she truly did hate Gamora.

 

¤¤¤

 

"The boy," Nebula says after what seemed like hours, "was he your son?"

"No." He looks pained, the steely facade he puts up threatening to crumble and Nebula almost regrets bringing it up. "Peter's not my son."

She nods. Stark is like an open vessel that it's easy for her to discern his emotions despite his efforts to conceal them (or maybe she's suffering with the same kind of agony that it doesn't take her much to recognize his own).

''I'm going to kill Thanos." Stark's muttered declaration held true conviction, something Nebula knows all too well.

"It's impossible." she tells him and a part of her is surprised at her sudden change of heart.

But truly, she now knows that she can hate Thanos all she wants and it still won't change anything. She'll forever be damaged in both body and mind and nothing, not even stabbing her blade through her father's chest, can ever bring back everything she'd lost. And she did try to kill him, so hard that she risked everything including the small sliver of sanity she had left. All that she has now is the consequence of failure.

Stark is pacing the cramped space of the pod, a deep frown set on his face.

"I can still try to make things right."

"You don't have to carry the entire universe on your own." she drawls.

"I won't be. Half the universe still lives and I bet my ass they're as pissed as I am."

"We lost even when the rest still existed."

"I think half of us with nothing left to lose is stronger than a whole universe in fear."

"We failed and half of your people is gone." she hisses through gritted teeth and turns away from Stark. "Just deal with it."

She can hear his footsteps halt, his eyes boring into the back of her head. He lets out a sigh, a long and deep sigh, then a loud thud rumbles the entire pod. She glances back at him and sees him crouched down on the floor, his hands holding his head in place as if he's stopping it from imploding.

"I don't know what to do." he croaks. "I don't."

"Get up, Stark."

"I-I don't, I don't know. Peter, the kid, he's... I don't-" His words falter as he struggles to breathe, eyes wide and panicked.

Rising from her seat, Nebula walks over to him and tries to haul him back up. "Come on, get up. You look pathetic."

"Get off me."

She gives up on trying to get him to stand and lands a harmless slap on his face, just enough to shake off whatever madness possessed him.

"Hey, hey, listen to me." She slaps him again and he looks up, his gaze beginning to focus again. "You want to kill Thanos? You can't in that miserable state of yours. Pull yourself together." she says and steps back.

For one dragging moment, he just stares back at her. Then finally, he snaps out of it, clambering back to his feet.

"You're the one who insisted that killing Thanos is impossible and now you're trying to give me the pep talk."

Stark straightens up as if he's attempting to restore his dignity. "That just happened." he mutters to himself while shaking his head.

Nebula returns to her seat. "You're lucky we're almost on Earth or I would've dropped you off on some obscure planet to get rid of you."

"Lucky," he chuckles darkly, bitter and spiteful all at once. "Yeah, luck's been nice to me lately."

"That makes two of us."

**Author's Note:**

> Nebula's resignation upon knowing that Thanos triumphed and that Gamora was dead is somehow more compelling than a dramatic scene of her breaking down. We always see her boiling with emotions that her helpless acceptance was a punch in the gut. 
> 
>  
> 
> The title was taken from the lyrics of a song by The National called "Humiliation"


End file.
